


i'd give you my heart but i'd just mess it up

by cliffordsunshine



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: A Happy Ending, Angst, M/M, also cashton is a thing here, but they're just friends, cake is so real here, cause i'm a sucker for those, it has a happy ending ok, there's a wedding too, there's some fluff toward the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 14:25:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3613320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cliffordsunshine/pseuds/cliffordsunshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying to numb the pain away,<br/>I know how to leave but not to stay,<br/>I wonder if I will ever find someone to fill me up inside,<br/>Someone to kiss my fears away</p><p>Or Michael is cold and distant and Luke's love for him is unhealthy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'd give you my heart but i'd just mess it up

**Author's Note:**

> basically zayn left 1d and put me in a sad enough mood to write most of this so excuse all the angst. kudos and comments would be greatly appreciated on a sad night like this :( also, i was listening to 'wasted' by mkto which was the main premise for this so listen to that and prepare for all the angst, my friends. enjoy <3

Another night, Luke is alone again. Time is passing, but he remains staring at the door, the same one Michael stepped out of hours before. The TV is on, probably playing reruns of Michael's favorite movies- Luke's not really sure anymore. Michael's probably out getting wasted like he always does after they fuck. 

Luke shakes his head because he knows this is wrong, everyone tells him. Everyone warned him. He closes his eyes because some part of him hopes that Michael will come around and let him know that all the pain and suffering was worth it. He cries, then, because he knows it won't happen. Wishing for something like that is useless and disappointing, much like Michael. 

What is he to do, though? It's too late to walk out because he knows he's fallen in love with Michael. Sometimes, he's not sure when he fell or why he let himself fall when he knew he'd get nothing from Michael, but maybe it was the way Michael looked at him the first time he saw him- hopeful and broken. Maybe it was because for a few weeks, he thought 'hey, I can fix Michael' until reality set it that no he can't because Michael is irreparable.

 

"Leave him, Luke." Luke rolls his eyes because Calum knows he can't. It'd been a few weeks since he last spoke to his best friend so when Calum called and asked him to join him for lunch, he politely agreed. Truth be told, he did miss Calum. 

"Don't roll your eyes at me. I'm seriously so fed up with him and what he's done to you, Luke," he picks at his meat, speaking with a strained voice and Luke knows this is hard on him too. It's hard on anyone Luke is close to. They just miss him the same way he misses them. Calum may think that Luke is just stubborn, that may be part of it, but Luke is just holding on like Michael told him a few nights ago when he was half asleep and hungover. It was the first time since they got together that Michael didn't have a cold stare. Luke just wants to feel his heart swell up the way it had that night once more. 

"How are you and Ashton?" Luke asks, changing the subject- something he's grown used to anytime someone brings Michael and their relationship into the conversation. Calum almost goes back to Michael and the situation but decides against it. Maybe he'll be able to talk to his best friend like he used to. 

"We're great. We're going to Europe next week and I might propose." Watching Luke's expression, he frowns because he knows that smile is fake. He knows that Luke wants what he and Ashton have had for the past 4 years. 

"Luke, you could have that too, y'know? But not with Michael." Luke shakes his head and closes his eyes. He doesn't need a reminder twice in one day. Sighing, he opens his eyes and smiles at Calum again. 

"I'm really happy for you." 

 

They're back at Luke's apartment now. He almost forgot what it felt like to be there. It smelled like him and it was something he had forgotten because now all he smelled was Michael. Looking around, he wonders if he should move out. Michael wouldn't mind if he moved in since he was there all the time anyway. 

"Hey, let's watch a movie, yeah?" Calum asks from the living room area. He walks out of his room and nods at Calum, placing his phone next to Calum's on the coffee table. They sit on the couch and Luke is curled into Calum's side like he always did when they were younger. Calum missed this so much, missed the way Luke would do this when he was tired. Ashton's always reassuring him that Luke will come to his senses sooner or later, but Calum knows Luke won't. He's heard about how dangerous those types of relationships are. Luke won't listen. 

"Has he ever hit you?" he asks. Luke shakes his head underneath him. 

"It's not like that, Calum. He just doesn't like commitment, I guess." Calum rolls his eyes and sighs because Luke doesn't deserve this. Calum would feel responsible for not getting Luke out of this sooner, but he tried so damn hard. When he first found out about Michael, he beat the shit out of him. Luke didn't speak to him for over a month. He'd hoped Michael would leave him after that, but he didn't. He'd even tried to set Luke up with other people, but Luke refused to go out with anyone because he was with Michael. 

"Have you talked to h-" Luke groans and lightly slaps Calum's thigh. 

"Can we not talk about this right now, please? I just want to enjoy being in my best friend's presence before he goes to Europe for who knows how long." Calum chuckles and plays with Luke's hair. It's not long before he hears Luke's breathing slow down, meaning he fell asleep. 

The movie is still playing when Luke's phone starts to ring. Calum sees that it's Michael once he picks it up.

"Who's this?" Michael asks once Calum answers. 

"It's Calum. What do you want?" There's a few seconds of silence. "Where's Luke?" 

"With me." Michael sighs and Calum knows he's getting frustrated so he sighs as well. "We're at his apartment. He's asleep. Is that all you need or not?" More silence. 

"Uhm, no, that's all. Can you just tell him to come to my apartment when he wakes up? Please." Calum almost feels sorry because his voice sounds dry and he knows he's been crying and for a second he wonders why.  

"Okay." 

Luke wakes up an hour later and sees that Calum has fallen asleep too so he shakes the older boy and smiles as he wakes up. Calum rubs his eyes and stretches as he frowns at him. Luke sits up. 

"What's wrong?" he asks upon seeing Calum's frown. 

"Michael called you while you were sleeping. He said to go back to his apartment when you woke up." Luke frowns too. 

 

When he walks into the apartment, he's surprised to find that Michael is there. The TV is on and he's watching his favorite movies. Luke makes his presence known by shutting the door loudly enough to make Michael jump. Then he looks up at Luke and Luke almost cries because he's looking at him the same way he had the first time they met. His eyes are shining and for the first time in over two weeks, Luke can see that he's not drunk or hungover. He's sober and it's just like that very first day when Luke met him at a friend's party. He was alone, looked so vulnerable, so Luke walked up to him and it started there. 

"Michael," his voice wavers and trails off as he walks toward him slowly. Michael stands up and Luke sees the tears in his eyes as he steps forward and hugs him tightly. Luke just stands still because he's not sure if Michael will just push him away once he realizes what he's doing. He's angry because he's been waiting for this moment since Michael told him to wait for his emotions to catch up but he's not enjoying this. So he pushes Michael back. 

"Luke, please..." Luke shakes his head and cries. He cries because this is it. This is what Michael told him to wait for but why isn't he happy? Why isn't he melting into Michael's arms telling him how much he loves him? Why doesn't he feel anything? 

Michael's staring at him, shattered and something else he can't quite decipher. He wonders if that's what he's looked like for the past 6 months. He wonders if Michael ever saw something different in him that he didn't see with others. He doesn't chase after Michael when he walks out of the door, out of his life. 

 

It's been over a year. 

Luke left and didn't go back to Michael, didn't want to go back. Moving forward, that's what he was doing. There were days when he missed him, but only because he had loved him, still loved him. Calum and Ashton were both immensely proud when Luke had called them that night. He was crying and screaming, but they were proud and they were there for him. As much as they hated Michael, they loved Luke and knew he was broken more than he ever had been. Slowly, very slowly, he got his life back together. Calum asked Luke to be his best man at his wedding and Luke did as much as he could to be involved with the wedding plans. It simply took his mind off of things, off of Michael. Plus, he was able to spend more time with his best friends. 

"Should I send it?" Luke asked Calum weeks before his big day with Ashton. Calum immediately shook his head. He heard Ashton shout a stern 'no' as he ran into their dining room. Luke chuckled. 

"Luke, seriously. Don't do it. You're doing fine now and this will just bring everything you've done for yourself in the past year to pieces. Please don't do that to yourself," Calum pleaded. Luke nodded and threw the pearl-white card in the trash bin. He ignored the pulling in his chest as the invitation he had ordered for Michael lay in a mess of old food and beer bottles. 

 

March 16. It was their big day and Luke was probably more exited about it than Calum and Ashton were. The swelling in his chest that morning was all too familiar to the swelling in his chest that Michael had caused once. Shaking his head, he cleared those thoughts from his mind. Not today, he thought. 

But he showed up and he was there. Uninvited? Who knows? Luke didn't send the invitation. Yet there he was, Michael, in the second row, staring right at him as he stood in his position as Calum's best man. Michael smiled at him and it was so real. It was almost blinding the way his eyes lit up when Luke smiled back politely. 

Luke noticed the way his voice was full of life when they spoke afterwards. His eyes were still shining and they were greener than Luke remembered. He wasn't sure if they had actually gotten greener or if he just forgot how bright they were, but he loved them. 

"What happened, Michael?" he spoke quietly, not letting himself fall completely again. It had taken so long to get over him and he never really got over him, just got used to not being around him. 

"I got help. After we- when we stopped being together or whatever, I, uhh, well I went to a therapist and she helped me get everything right. I can feel again and it feels great." Luke noticed the light pink color, gracing his cheeks beautifully and he smiled. 

"Luke, I'm not asking for anything from you. I don't deserve it. Like, nothing at all. If I'm here today, it's because you deserve an apology and it sounds so pathetic. But it'd be more pathetic if I didn't apologize for what I caused you. I am truly sorry. I was so awful to you. I really am sorry, and I promise you that if I could take it all back I would. In a heartbeat." He was staring right into Luke's eyes because he meant it, wanted Luke to know he meant it. 

In that moment, Luke had so many questions. He wanted to know how Michael got there, wanted to know if Michael's hair being blue had anything to do with his own eyes being blue, but most of all, he wanted to know why the hell he was just standing there like an idiot.

None of it really mattered, though, because Michael was smiling at him and his eyes were glistening with tears and he was truly happy so Luke was truly happy. 

 

In the end, Calum was right. Because Luke could —and did, thankfully— have what Calum and Ashton had. But he was wrong, too. He was wrong because he got all those things with Michael, whom Luke discovered was repairable after all.

**Author's Note:**

> so, yeah, there's that. you can follow me on tumblr bc i follow back and love talking to people <3 shutupcliffords.tumblr.com *hugs anyone who's upset about zayn too* oh, and if there are any super embarrassing mistakes in this, pls let me know so i cant fix it. thank you!


End file.
